So the older I’ve gotten, and the longer I’ve been married to Jason, I have found that I don’t enjoy staying in a hotel like I used to.
Young Jill would have thrown caution to the wind and jumped right into the hotel bed and snuggled right up.
Nowadays I strip the bed and search for pubic hair, blood stains and regret not bringing a black light to check for other fluids.
All the while, Jason is using his Clorox wipes he brought from home to clean the toilet seat and wipe down the remote….
But so help me if this weekend I wasn’t curled up with my girls in a hotel pull out couch when my mind starts to race with thoughts of bed bugs and dirty sheets and God only knows what other kinds of debauchery could be left behind.
I start to itch around my ankles.
I start to feel creepy crawlies under my pajamas.
I toss and turn.
My head is literally itching as I type this.
I’m remembering the Ad Council slogan from the 70’s “A Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste” as I have to talk my self down off the proverbial ledge just so I can get some sleep.
I’m thinking to myself, “Man, my mind is so powerful. And it’s a real shame that so much nonsense occupies it.”
It’s so annoying.
Given just a little bit of room, my mind was actually manifesting things that weren’t actually there.
Like bed bugs.
I should have known that God was up to something when He started walking through Jonah with me.
I have had several, “Just mind your own business” moments with God here lately.
But the same theme kept coming up in different situations.
It all started with my bible study with the last line of Acts 11:17 “how could I possibly hinder the work of God?”
I heard a holy clearing of the throat from God.
You know when you’re in church and the pastor says something that you KNOW is meant for your neighbor?
But it’s actually meant for you?
Yeah. Something like that.
Then I see something on Facebook that really got my paranoia going.
Why are they together?
Doesn’t she know what kind of person she is?
How annoying she is?
If she REALLY knew her…man, she’d change her mind.
A little louder this time.
Later in the weekend, our church hosted Super Bowl Champ, Clint Gresham and in a beautifully obnoxious way, God used him to expose me.
Expose things I already knew about myself; insecurities, doubt, fear.
Things I thought I’d taken care of. Well, everything except this one area.
The next morning the songs Dustin Smith and Here Be Lions sang, they actually said the word “hinder.”
My mind flew to that scripture in Acts and now I was open and raw to the things I already knew, but now I heard the gentle voice of God behind me saying, “Let’s take care of this Jill. I have so much more for you to do, but right now…you are a hindrance.”
So here it is.
The good, the bad, and the ugly.
My heart that loves so deeply and unconditionally also happens to sometimes be the heart that judges, the heart that knows the good things of God, the heart that thinks God has appointed me “delegator of God’s mercy to all but certain people.”
My mind that can go from zero to irrational in seconds.
The mind that in one moment is believing the promises of God and in the next is full of anger and jealousy.
It’s so ugly.
And I’ll give the enemy not an inch more.
I’ll be a hindrance to the things of God not a second more.
At my best, God loves.
At my worst, God loves.
Regardless of what my mind thinks…
…God’s word has the final say.
I’m a book-shelving, former tap dancer, wanna be writer, singer,
and banjo player, mother of 4, wife of 1, follower of Christ,
walking in the shadow of the Proverbs 31 woman
and redeemed by the grace and love of an Almighty God…
just living the dream.