If words cut like a knife, could it cut off some fat please?
I don’t eat Special K food, mostly because it has a ton of artificial God knows what in it, but I do LOVE these series of videos they have been putting out lately. It’s like Dove and Special K are on a specific mission to redeem the strength of women across the world. This one is so powerful because I’ve done it before.
I have memories starting as a young teenager, of me trying on clothes or looking at myself naked in a mirror and becoming physically violent with myself. Actually punching myself in the stomach. Or grabbing a fistful of my fat roll and trying to pinch it into an oblivion. All the while spewing vile words about myself. Words that I wouldn’t call my worst enemy. Why do I speak such things into my heart? Why do I hate myself so much?
I’m not the enemy.
I found a picture on my phone last night of a screen shot I took a long time ago. I regret that I don’t know where it came from.
But it says, “Do you think God ever gets sad like, “What do you mean you don’t love yourself? I worked so hard on you…”
Wow. Sorry God.
This most recent journey I’ve been on, according to MyFitnessPal account says, “Jill has logged in for 198 days!” has taught me so much about myself. I’ve learned that this will be a daily, forever commitment.
That my life isn’t defined by my body.
My body and food is meant to serve ME.
Not the other way around.
53 pounds of me is forever gone.
So are 2 giant garbage bags FULL of “too big clothes.”
I have SO far to go, but God has never left me or forsaken me.
Not when I was hating my jiggly legs as a nervous 8 year old trying on dance outfits in tap class, not when I was making myself purge the minimal calories I’d eaten in High School, and not when I was secretly binging on cupcakes as a struggling 35 year old. No, He has always been there. He’s never forsaken me.
And He never will.
I’m a book-shelving, former tap dancer, wanna be writer, singer,
and banjo player, mother of 4, wife of 1, follower of Christ,
walking in the shadow of the Proverbs 31 woman
and redeemed by the grace and love of an Almighty God…
just living the dream.