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A Life of Left Turns

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This scripture pic came from my current Bible Study, Made to Crave Action Plan.  For the past 3 months I’ve spent every morning with these ladies and in two weeks, it’ll all be coming to a close.

I’m anxious.
I love the routine that I’ve fallen into with my morning Bible time.
And I’m fearful that it won’t be there soon for me to connect with.
I’m anxious that I’ll “fall off the wagon” so to speak…again.  For the thousandth time.  And fulfill what my mind tells me everyone is waiting on…
“Well, Jill’s doing so good, BUT how long can she keep it up?  We’ve circled this mountain with her for so many years…”  
I have to remind myself and as Jude 1:20 says, “build myself up in my most holy faith,” that it’s about God.  That my hope is NOT in this Bible Study.
My hope isn’t in the author of the book or the leaders of the Online Bible Study (although I’ve SO grateful for their obedience).

But it’s in Christ.

I realized this morning that I’ve yet to delve into God’s word on my own.
Still more wasted opportunities.
I am relying on other people to feed the Word to me, through my pastor, online sermons I listen to, and this Bible Study .  But I fail to feed the most important thing to myself.
God’s daily bread.
I must stop wasting opportunities.
So I’ll start with this one.  This verse has been so powerful to me over the past few months.
Psalm 56:12-13
God, you did everything you promised,
and I’m thanking you with all my heart.
You pulled me from the brink of death,
my feet from the cliff-edge of doom.
Now I stroll at leisure with God
in the sunlit fields of life.
—Message

I have been doing “this” for SO long.  It’s become a strange best friend; this struggle with myself has.  I have been circling this mountain for day after day, year after year.
And I’m dizzy from it.
I’m over it.
I’ve kicked this best friend out of my life and though she may try to come back, knocking on the door of my heart and mind, she is not welcome back.  She is my “chatterbox” and I’ve listened to her lies for long enough.
“You’ll always be this way,” she says.
“You aren’t strong enough.  You are so disgusting.  Your kids will grow up to be fat and lazy and unlovable just like you.   You’ll never be able to wear cute clothes like her.  Why don’t you just give up?  Be happy with your fatness!  The Lord could return tomorrow and all that wonderful food you’ve denied yourself will be for nothing.  LIVE LIFE!!!”  Her voice was so loud and clear.
WAS.
Because you see, I’m hearing her through the filter now of this Bible Study, truth I’ve had sown into me, and the truth of God’s word.
And relying on God after this Bible Study is over will be my only hope.

I’m a book-shelving, former tap dancer, wanna be writer, singer,
and banjo player, mother of 4, wife of 1, follower of Christ,
walking in the shadow of the Proverbs 31 woman
and redeemed by the grace and love of an Almighty God…
just living the dream.

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Hi, yes, can you tell me where the contentment is? In an XL?

So I’ve been listening to a lot of podcasts lately, especially through Elevation Church and Pastor Steven Furtick.  I found out that he’s a Baptist, but you could have fooled me!  He’s definitely NOT my grandmother’s Baptist!  And I’ll have to admit, he’s more charismatic than a lot of Charismatic preachers out there!  So, I’ll listen and enjoy and be blessed and sift what he says along with the Word.  Considering I’m a Spirit Filled reformed Episcopalian…I’ve got some room built in for open mindedness.  I think Christ does too.  🙂  Anyhoo, I was listening to Lysa Terkheurst’s Mother’s Day message and it was really good.  She has such a gift for ministering to women in a mighty and real way.  It was called “Cut the But” and in essence, she was saying, instead of saying, “I’m a child of God, but __________________ (fill in your blank)… We should say, “I’m a child of God, therefore I’m clothed in righteousness, therefore I’m redeemed by His sacrifice, etc.  Our words are so powerful and I’m so guilty of doing “but” instead of “therefore.”  I listened to her podcast and later that day came across the picture above on Facebook.  I loved it immediately.  I’ll admit, I put my value, my worth, everything in what I look like, how much I weigh, what size pants I have on.  I’ve done it all my life.  Sometimes, okay a lot of times, I put value on other people on what they look like and how much they weigh.  I know it’s so ridiculous and absurd.  But I do it anyway.  I can’t understand why my husband would love me unconditionally with me looking the way that I do.  I can’t possibly understand why God would love me unconditionally with me looking the way that I do AND knowing the inner most thoughts of my mind.  Lord have mercy!  What in the world do you do with THAT kind of crazy!?  I’m hoping to one day get to the place of contentment NOT being tied to my outward appearance, because in my mind I know that “God looks at the heart…” blah blah blah.  It’s hard to know AND do God’s word.  Sheesh.  Just add that to my “to do” list….
But I’m hoping that it comes sooner rather than later so I don’t look back on this life with a boatload of regret on all the “living” I missed out on.Image
Why is this so hard?

I’m a book-shelving, former tap dancer, wanna be writer, singer,
and banjo player, mother of 4, wife of 1, follower of Christ,
walking in the shadow of the Proverbs 31 woman
and redeemed by the grace and love of an Almighty God…
just living the dream.