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Un. Rush. Me.

After hearing about Lysa Terkeurst’s new book at She Speaks this summer I have been so excited to start this book study.  I prayed before I started it that it would impact me in just the way the Lord saw fit, but even as I was reading the first 3 chapters I could feel myself rushing through these words.  How in the world could I allow that?  Allow myself to rush through the pages of a book about slowing down?!  Only I could accomplish that…

My girls have been sick this week.  First the baby and now my 3 year old.  Fevers hit them hard and knocked them down.  I was rocking the baby and taking advantage of how snuggly she was being considering her “be still” time is very limited these days.  Being a 19 month old is busy stuff, y’all!

In the darkness and cool quiet of her room, I started praying for her.
For the Lord to heal her.  Praying for myself.
That fear of unknown sickness wouldn’t drown my heart and choke out faith.
I felt a shift in myself and I started praying from a place I hadn’t been in awhile and I felt a rush over my heart.  A release in my Spirit.  A voice almost saying, “This is where I want you to go.  This is the way…walk in it.”
I started praying for her sister and her two brothers and as I did I felt the need to ask the Lord to forgive me.  Repentance came from my heart for missed opportunities with my boys, now 11 and 7.  I acknowledged the fact that they didn’t need me as much any more since their independence was growing and while that is exciting, at this very moment it broke my heart.  Not that they didn’t need me for much, but for the fact I’d wasted and missed literally thousands of opportunities to pray and bless my boys when they did need me.  Seemingly menial tasks were times the Lord gave me to speak blessings over them.
A diaper change should have been a sacred time of blessing.
A shoe needing tied was a time to break generational curses.
A belt needing tightened was an opportunity to seek healing.
Hair needing combed was when favor was to be sought.

Instead it was found an inconvenience.  A burden.  Time that was cutting into “my time.”  Hurry.  Come on.  We’re late.  Why are you taking so long?  Why aren’t you ready yet?!  You.  Are.  So.  Slow.

In the rhythm of rocking my last baby girl, my heart was slowly breaking.  And as tears were streaming down my face I prayed and asked the Lord to forgive me of my rush.  To forgive me for running through my life at break neck speed.  And for what?  To end a day to only begin the rush again?  I was literally chasing the end of one day with the beginning of the next.    I asked God to forgive me but also to redeem what I did have left with my boys.  Even though they are older, there are times my oldest needs help with things.  And times my 7 year old seeks me out.  I prayed God would give me wisdom and patience when dealing with their tender hearts and to seize every moment He’s given me from here on out.
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Because babies won’t always want to snuggle.

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And little girls won’t always want to color.
But, right now, nothing is more important.
It’s exactly where I want to be.
So Lord, please give me another moment.
Where you stop and Un-rush me.

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A Life of Left Turns

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This scripture pic came from my current Bible Study, Made to Crave Action Plan.  For the past 3 months I’ve spent every morning with these ladies and in two weeks, it’ll all be coming to a close.

I’m anxious.
I love the routine that I’ve fallen into with my morning Bible time.
And I’m fearful that it won’t be there soon for me to connect with.
I’m anxious that I’ll “fall off the wagon” so to speak…again.  For the thousandth time.  And fulfill what my mind tells me everyone is waiting on…
“Well, Jill’s doing so good, BUT how long can she keep it up?  We’ve circled this mountain with her for so many years…”  
I have to remind myself and as Jude 1:20 says, “build myself up in my most holy faith,” that it’s about God.  That my hope is NOT in this Bible Study.
My hope isn’t in the author of the book or the leaders of the Online Bible Study (although I’ve SO grateful for their obedience).

But it’s in Christ.

I realized this morning that I’ve yet to delve into God’s word on my own.
Still more wasted opportunities.
I am relying on other people to feed the Word to me, through my pastor, online sermons I listen to, and this Bible Study .  But I fail to feed the most important thing to myself.
God’s daily bread.
I must stop wasting opportunities.
So I’ll start with this one.  This verse has been so powerful to me over the past few months.
Psalm 56:12-13
God, you did everything you promised,
and I’m thanking you with all my heart.
You pulled me from the brink of death,
my feet from the cliff-edge of doom.
Now I stroll at leisure with God
in the sunlit fields of life.
—Message

I have been doing “this” for SO long.  It’s become a strange best friend; this struggle with myself has.  I have been circling this mountain for day after day, year after year.
And I’m dizzy from it.
I’m over it.
I’ve kicked this best friend out of my life and though she may try to come back, knocking on the door of my heart and mind, she is not welcome back.  She is my “chatterbox” and I’ve listened to her lies for long enough.
“You’ll always be this way,” she says.
“You aren’t strong enough.  You are so disgusting.  Your kids will grow up to be fat and lazy and unlovable just like you.   You’ll never be able to wear cute clothes like her.  Why don’t you just give up?  Be happy with your fatness!  The Lord could return tomorrow and all that wonderful food you’ve denied yourself will be for nothing.  LIVE LIFE!!!”  Her voice was so loud and clear.
WAS.
Because you see, I’m hearing her through the filter now of this Bible Study, truth I’ve had sown into me, and the truth of God’s word.
And relying on God after this Bible Study is over will be my only hope.

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Well hello there middle of January!

Wow.  Who has life on fast forward?  Clearly someone who shouldn’t be in charge of the remote!  Where in the world is time going?  I can’t believe that we are halfway through the school year, E is going to be a year old in just about a month.  She’s still so little.  I can’t stand it.  I have so many things going on this year.  I, absolutely fed up with my body and the life I was leading, finally did something about it.  I got myself a FitBit for Christmas and it has been THE best thing.  Ever.  New Years Day started a junk free life for me.  I haven’t had any sugary goodies in 21 days and the power it gives me to walk past donuts at school, and cake at birthday parties, and sugar laden punch at baby showers is so awesome.  That this time HAD to be different.  For everyone in my life.  For me.  One reason why this time will be different is because I truly feel that after wrestling with this my whole life, that if I don’t do it NOW, I will die. I’m not the 500 lb woman, but the burden of this stronghold is almost as heavy as the extra pounds I do carry. I have to do it for my children. They deserve more from me than a mom filled with excuses and a heart full of abnormal desires for food. God deserves more too. My body does not bring glory to His name and the hurt I’ve caused Him by laying this struggle down only to pick it back up again is almost unbearable to me.  I’m following an online bible study through Proverbs 31 Ministries called Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst.  I’ve read it before, but apparently it didn’t stick.  But remember?  This time will be different!  I’m also doing a workbook called the Prism Weight Loss program that sadly is out of publication.  I found a book on Amazon I think and have been working through the truths God laid on those ladies hearts about food addiction and weight loss.  Their main point is giving up sugar and white flour and “not one bite” of those foods are allowed.  Those 3 little words offer so much accountability!  So, it’s going to be a lifetime of positive changes.  I’m renewing my mind each morning and surrounding myself with Gods word.  Here are two verses that have almost become my mantra:

“Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial for me.” 1 Cor. 6:12
Psalm 56:12-13 “I will surely do what I have promised Lord and thank you for your help.  for you have saved me from death and my feet from slipping, so that I can walk before the Lord in the land of the living!”

Such different scriptures that pierced my heart.  I am SO excited about the changes that God is making in me.  Here’s to a new life in Christ!