Un. Rush. Me.
After hearing about Lysa Terkeurst’s new book at She Speaks this summer I have been so excited to start this book study. I prayed before I started it that it would impact me in just the way the Lord saw fit, but even as I was reading the first 3 chapters I could feel myself rushing through these words. How in the world could I allow that? Allow myself to rush through the pages of a book about slowing down?! Only I could accomplish that…
My girls have been sick this week. First the baby and now my 3 year old. Fevers hit them hard and knocked them down. I was rocking the baby and taking advantage of how snuggly she was being considering her “be still” time is very limited these days. Being a 19 month old is busy stuff, y’all!
In the darkness and cool quiet of her room, I started praying for her.
For the Lord to heal her. Praying for myself.
That fear of unknown sickness wouldn’t drown my heart and choke out faith.
I felt a shift in myself and I started praying from a place I hadn’t been in awhile and I felt a rush over my heart. A release in my Spirit. A voice almost saying, “This is where I want you to go. This is the way…walk in it.”
I started praying for her sister and her two brothers and as I did I felt the need to ask the Lord to forgive me. Repentance came from my heart for missed opportunities with my boys, now 11 and 7. I acknowledged the fact that they didn’t need me as much any more since their independence was growing and while that is exciting, at this very moment it broke my heart. Not that they didn’t need me for much, but for the fact I’d wasted and missed literally thousands of opportunities to pray and bless my boys when they did need me. Seemingly menial tasks were times the Lord gave me to speak blessings over them.
A diaper change should have been a sacred time of blessing.
A shoe needing tied was a time to break generational curses.
A belt needing tightened was an opportunity to seek healing.
Hair needing combed was when favor was to be sought.
Instead it was found an inconvenience. A burden. Time that was cutting into “my time.” Hurry. Come on. We’re late. Why are you taking so long? Why aren’t you ready yet?! You. Are. So. Slow.
In the rhythm of rocking my last baby girl, my heart was slowly breaking. And as tears were streaming down my face I prayed and asked the Lord to forgive me of my rush. To forgive me for running through my life at break neck speed. And for what? To end a day to only begin the rush again? I was literally chasing the end of one day with the beginning of the next. I asked God to forgive me but also to redeem what I did have left with my boys. Even though they are older, there are times my oldest needs help with things. And times my 7 year old seeks me out. I prayed God would give me wisdom and patience when dealing with their tender hearts and to seize every moment He’s given me from here on out.
Because babies won’t always want to snuggle.