When Dreams Die

I’ve said before that when I was a little girl I dreamed of me being on a huge parcel of land surrounded by children.
Children who weren’t mine.
Children of every color and race.
Children who were born of my heart.
On that huge piece of land were children and animals.
Farm animals to be exact.
My mom even called me her “little Gertrude Ramey” from a very young age.  Those of you not familiar with Miss Ramey, she was a local “mother” to orphans in our area and started the Gertrude Ramey Home in Ashland.  I still, to this day visit her grave when I go to visit my grandparents grave site.

Now, in my dreams I didn’t envision anyone there to help me with these children or these animals.
It was just going to be…well, us.
I guess that’s why they call them dreams, right? That’s the fun of them. They don’t necessarily have to be realistic, but the desire is there, nonetheless.

Fast forward a few decades and I have no large parcel of land, but do have a Prince Charming, 4 amazing children of my own, and the only animals I take care of are a mentally handicapped Golden Doodle, 2 pre-menstral chickens, a gecko, and a cat. Not really the farm animals I had in mind.

Some more recent dreams of mine now days still include a large parcel of land. And on that land would be a large Midwestern farmhouse, similar to the one in the “Signs” starring Mel Gibson. I even recently went so far as to Google and Pinterest (those are verbs now days, in case you didn’t know) pictures of that house.

You wanna see it?
house from signs
Ain’t she a beaut?

I printed this one and others like it out, made a literal file folder and made a permanent space in my drawer and my heart for the “someday” this would happen.

Well…
Jay and I often daily dream of this large parcel of land together and in his dream, I just realized, would be to never live on this parcel of land full time, but to have it as a “vacation spot” (in Greenup County?…uh, yeah, whatever) and “what he’d LOVE would be to have a log cabin.”

Literally, in my mind a hand reached into the file folder, pulled out my pictures and crumpled them up.  Wasn’t going to happen.

Some more recent dreams are to sell everything we own and move to some kind of adventure…
Australia and join Hillsong.
Redding California and join Bethel.
Costa Rica and just BE.
My mind ACHES for us to be still.
To be a family.
And to escape all this Audubon fast paced society we are black holed into…

I still dream about rescuing children from another country.
To have my 4 beautiful, blue eyed, ivory children and who knows how many beautiful, brown eyed and caramel or chocolate children.
Finances and physical space keep us from adopting children.

So what do you do when dreams that ache deep in your heart die a painful death? When the realization hits your almost 40 year old mind that, “well, this probably ain’t a happenin…”
I just don’t know the answer to that.
I know that I take my disappointments to the Lord and lay them at His feet.
Praying that He’ll either make a way or heal the hurt.
Praying that opportunity may knock.
Praying that I’ll be SO content with the absolute perfect wonderfulness that He has given me (because my crazy is so awesome and I’m SO thankful for it…) and that the dreams I held close to my heart will slip out of my head and heart and into someone else who can make it happen.
Maybe, just maybe into the hearts of my own children…
And honest to goodness, I KNOW God spoke to me during Zumba on this very subject (hey, don’t judge…He speaks to me everywhere…) and my favorite song was on.  It’s Shakira’s  “This Time for Africa” and while jumping and gyrating, I felt God lean in and acknowledge that this was my desire, and also give me a peace about if it didn’t happen.
Then He surprised me. 
He also encouraged me, and I heard these words, “till the fertile soil in my children’s hearts.”
Hey, some parents live through their kids and sports.
Me?
I’ll plant seeds of love for orphans in other countries.

Nothing like crying while I’m supposed to be thrusting my hips…

So what about you?
Do you have a dream or desire to do something GREAT and outside of the box that you just don’t know if it will happen or not?

Here are some things I DO know…
God is the God of the impossible.
Our timetable is not His.
He can use anyone, anytime.

So let’s make a promise…
I won’t give up if you don’t.
And we won’t be disappointed if our dreams don’t happen the exact way we envision it.
Together we will trust the Master and His master plan.
It’s ALWAYS best.

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