A month of loss, with so much to gain
Today’s “Must Have Monday” is this beaut…
A heated toilet seat folks. Now I’m tellin ya, I’ve sat on some cold seats. Some so cold I thought for sure my cervix had frozen shut…ain’t NO body got time for that. Do yourself a HUGE favor and buy a heated toilet seat. This truly was a top 10 gift from Jay. It will certainly change your life.
There seems to be a day or a month for everything. And as we close on the month of October and the month for remembering pregnancies and infants lost, I’ll tell you, this certainly wasn’t a month I ever wanted to celebrate.
A club I never wanted to belong to.
But, sadly we do.
And I venture to say, it took me a long time to talk about the loss we experienced some six years ago because I am surrounded and blessed with SO much.
At the time we had two healthy boys.
I feel like people were saying, “What did you have to be sad about? A lot of people could not even get the two babies. Get over yourself.”
I realize now that was just the enemy.
Doing the ONLY thing he knows how to do well.
Infertility certainly is something Jason and I NEVER had to struggle with. I honestly think we can get pregnant just by sitting beside each other. Looking back, I pridefully thought, “this kind of stuff doesn’t happen to us. We don’t lose babies”
When I learned I was going to be pregnant for the third time I told Jason with some hesitancy. I asked him not to make any announcements at church or to anyone else until we got through our first ultrasound. Mother’s intuition? Who knows. I just did not feel right from the beginning of this pregnancy. I didn’t even tell my parents until after I found out I had miscarried. I’m sure it was hard for them to mourn something they weren’t able to get excited about in the first place. Being an excited, proud father, Jason told the church anyway and naturally everyone was excited. We always joke that whenever we get up behind the pulpit together it is because we are announcing that we are pregnant.
Just a short month later Jason made another announcement. The one that we in fact would not be growing the church one baby at a time. We relieved it for months after the fact when people who missed the 2nd announcement would come up to me asking me how I feeling. I just wanted to be done with the nightmare Groundhog Day we were enduring. I wanted to melt into an oblivion. To drown in my own despair.
A Year Later…
I’ll never forget standing before the congregation a stronger, straighter daughter of Christ close to a year later. I remember looking at the sweet face of Marty, our praise and worship leader, and telling him I was sorry that I couldn’t enter into worship with him for months and months after I lost the baby. It wasn’t because I blamed God. Because I didn’t. I had the knowledge that God did not take or kill my baby. That is not His nature. He comes to bring us life, and life more abundantly. The only one to blame for my miscarriage is Satan. Simply because that IS his nature. He comes to steal, kill, and destroy. He tried to do all three in one fell swoop. We live in a fallen world. One of sin and death. But no, the reason I could not bring myself to enter into praise and worship was because literally every time I would open my mouth, I would sob.
I would cry until I could not breathe.
It is a heavy burden to bear.
It was at this same time that we made the announcement that we were in fact pregnant for a fourth time. One where we would deliver Phoebe Annabelle. Her name means “bright and radiant” and that is exactly what she is to me. The baby we lost seems to be a bridge that linked “going through the motions Jill” and “faith filled Jill.” The Jill who loved God to the Jill who believed God. I gained so much through the loss of our pregnancy. Again, I do not believe that God took this baby to “teach me a lesson.” But I am convinced that God used it to draw me closer to Him.
Through a tremendous loss, my life was changed for the better. Throughout Phoebe’s pregnancy I had to believe that God was in control regardless of the outcome. That He loved me and wanted only good things for me. I refused to allow fear to rule her pregnancy. Because of my change in attitude, Christ was able to lift me out of the longest stretch of sadness and despair I had ever experienced.
Her birth, I believe, saved my life.
God is so good you all. I said ALL that to punctuate that last sentence.
God. Is. Good.
Regardless of your perception of Him.
Or your current situation.
Or the downward spiral of our country.
God is in control and God is good.
I don’t put my hope and faith in my children. They will let me down.
I don’t put my trust in Jason. He will fail me too.
I don’t hold fast to my job. It is not my source.
I put my whole life. Everything I hold true and dear, I pin onto the fact that God is good.
He is for me. Not against me.
Psalm 27:1 says it best.