Becoming Undone

Have you ever had your heart SO full of love and gratitude and God’s goodness that you literally thought it was going to break right in your chest?
This past weekend I had the unbelievable honor of going to She Speaks in Charlotte NC and that feeling of “full heartness” was my entire weekend.
I literally cried the whole time.  And I knew I was in major trouble when I opened our participant notebook and read the letter from Lysa Terkeurst that ended, “Thank God for making a way for you to be here.”  Ugh.  My mom and husband made that possible.  With their full support to chase this crazy dream of mine to be a writer, I was here.  And with each hour that passed my heart kept filling… and breaking a little more.  Tears 1–Jill 0

she speaks background she speaks flowers she speaks decor

The decorations on the tables even made me want to cry!  What am I saying?  They did!  Everything was SO beautiful.  Tears 2–Jill 0
Praise and worship was so good.  Pure and perfect.  And with 800 women singing together, praising the King.  It was a very small glimpse of Heaven. So with praise and worship 4 times over the weekend, makeup was completely unnecessary.  I was a white hot mess.  Tears 6–Jill 0


Lysa leading one of the amazing workshops held this weekend.

Lysa leading one of the amazing workshops held this weekend.

Meeting Nikki and Melissa of Proverbs 31's Online Bible Studies was a real treat.  They are so real!

Meeting Nikki and Melissa of Proverbs 31’s Online Bible Studies was a real treat. They are such genuine women of God!

christine caine

This here lady…was amazeballs.  Christine Caine of Hillsong in Sydney Australia was so full of God’s anointing and Christ’s passion.  It was unreal.  If I didn’t feel insecure about myself before…I did now!  She is SO in love with God and His work and His people.  There was NO way to leave her message without feeling stirred into action.

That’s the only way I can describe myself this weekend.   I felt so undone by all the messages and the constant battle I had with the enemy in my own mind.  I fought the assault of insecurity and doubt on my heart and mind.
Yet I didn’t allow him to win ONCE.  The enemy tried to talk me out of each session, publisher appointment, peer critique.
He tried to get me discouraged.  His darts of doubt were many.
But they didn’t win.
I may not ever publish a book.  And I’m not so sure that’s my goal.  And that’s okay.
But I got validation from the only One that matters.  God.
I got a new sense of purpose.
To KNOW Jesus Christ and to make Him known.

And if it takes me being a white hot mess and undone for a weekend…to spur me on to action for a lifetime and 4 little one’s lifetimes…
Then let the undoing begin.

I’m a book-shelving, former tap dancer, wanna be writer, singer,
and banjo player, mother of 4, wife of 1, follower of Christ,
walking in the shadow of the Proverbs 31 woman
and redeemed by the grace and love of an Almighty God…
just living the dream.

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